Feeling like a defeated bag of hot air.

I have all of this potential, and all of this hot fair burning inside of me, but while everyone continues to float, it feels like my canopy lays flat on the grass next to me. What’s worse it feels like people are walking all over it with muddy shoes.

And yes I can also see the work involved in cleaning it all off. I can see the toil in making it run the way it should. To color in the canopy with the colors of my internal visions and to ride in the basket alone. Looking out in silence and awe for the horizon, the mountains, the valleys. The perspective on the people and the wholeness in my heart.

But that day is not today. For now, I’m still on the ground. Canopy by my side.

I tidy the grass around me, making sure the flowers are fed and grow. The pair of them, nurtured, my foundation strong and sturdy. But I have such desire to fly, to be free in the sky.

How do I begin to be okay in the process consistently. Most of this week I have been talking to people about the intellect around “being okay”. I know in theory, that things will work out. I know from previous experience that I will land where I am supposed to. But how do I convince my gut that that is the case. How do I get my heart to feel rested and my chest and shoulders unburdened by anxiety and the nagging of my deepest vulnerabilities.

My armor has been removed and my soft skin stings under the warm sun. it enjoys the warmth but can’t stand the heat. I am tired from carrying my armor, but I am also unhappy to stand in the rays and allow my skin to turn from translucence to auburn chestnut. I am unable to release enough. The steam builds inside of me.

And then I feel the spiral begin to hit, the hunger pains from forgetting to eat, the cloudy mind, unable to connect with the body.

The feeling of unimportance, and insignificance crushing my drive and confidence. My over confidence crushing my honesty and humility. My need to love and support others overshadowing my ability to love and support myself. All this and exhaustion. Exhaustion from being present for little people who need the connection. Who desire my attention and love and to whom I willingly and joyfully concede.

They are my letting go. But they are not my hopes and dreams. They are apart of my furthering foundation, my new get together. It is seeing the world through their eyes that allows me to find my way back to relive my own life, and to acknowledge the most basic feelings. It is through their eyes that the world can be new again. That I can build strength and confidence and honesty.

Above all honestly.